With no word of a lie, I began writing this late last year, before any word of Covid-19. I thought it would be a funny way of introducing a more sustainable way of living. The project was for my own benefit, but I had plans to turn it into a book...who could have known!
ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE NOW!
Live your life as if you already have to ration
It’s today; the time is approximately…right now, and you’re already in danger.
Your neighbours have turned into zombies and are in your driveway crying out for your flesh. Their zombified brains are too stupid to remember you keep a spare key in the dog’s kennel, so you have time to think; not much, but enough to barricade the door – but with what? You can’t go to the hardware store, you can’t even get to the shed. And speaking of stores, you’re running low on food. You meant to go grocery shopping yesterday but you blew it off - how could you have known there’d be a zombie apocalypse today? You’re so ill prepared for bunkering down. You’ll have to ration what you have. You’ll have to watch how you do everything from now on.
Brushing your teeth? How much toothpaste do you actually need to use? Can’t you get away with a smidge instead of a blob? Do you even need to use paste? Or water? Water is going to become precious. Think about how you’re going to use and reuse every last drop. There’s going to have to be some new rules about toilet flushing around here – and that’s as long as the water company workers avoid becoming zombies, then it’s going to get really messy. How are you going to cope with that? Wait; what about other public service zombies? Bus driver zombies and Internet service provider zombies? Don’t think about that yet. Back to your ablutions; toilet roll…you know you don’t need two yards, so back up – how much is just enough? You’ve only just gotten out of bed! This is so stressful! How are you going to cope? Thank GOD you bought this book! Let’s hunker down and figure this out – and switch the big light off, do you want Mr. Zombie neighbour to see you? Time to gather up all the scented candles you never re-gifted and get used to a new lifestyle: a lifestyle of rationing…
First off – Food!
Ok, so now you’re watching every morsel. Nay; you’re savouring every bite because you know when this box of cereal/bag of peanuts/bottle of wine is gone – you may never see its like again. Plus, the pesky zombies are making grocery shopping difficult, not to mention the actual breakdown of society which basically means, no sliced bread or milk in a handy plastic carton. You’ve been mentally whipping yourself for decades, with what you should be doing/not doing, eating/not eating, drinking/not drinking. The zombies have changed everything (ironically, you’re most likely going to lose weight with this new improved sustainable and mindful way of eating, and there’ll be less flesh for them to feast on when/IF they do find that key, but you can’t think about everyone’s feelings. It’s dog-eat-dog now. For the sake of keeping this project relatively stress free and adding an element of fun, you don’t have any dependents. You’re on your own, or living with capable, fit, competent people.
So, you’ve had your thirty second shower, giving thanks for the joy of hot running water – who knows how long it will last? But without dilly-dallying you make a mental note to learn how to make soap while the Internet still works. As you get dressed you realize that washing machines and tumble driers are a luxury you may no longer enjoy. Choose your clothes wisely; if things go pear shaped today you may be wearing them for a while. Time to appreciate fabric.
Tune in next time for the continuing saga of Zombie Apocalypse Now!